~confession

I have a confession... I am a grilled cheese addict... it has become a real problem. Week after week spending money on cheese.. and bread.. and butter... I am becoming broke because of this habit, but I just cant resist that cheesy, melty, crispy goodness. I am worried that if I do not stop now that I will fight this addiction for the rest of my college years. I say I can stop any time I want to, but is that really true? I have never put it to the test. I'm glad I got that off my chest... 

Anyways, in other news, I am going home in two weeks... yay... I hate this so much. I am excited to go see my family, but I am not so keen on leaving everyone else behind.. It is really hard to think about leaving and after last night.. I don't even know. I kind of have hope, but I don't want to have hope because I feel like it is gonna get ripped out from beneath me just as fast as I obtained it.. I hate this. I want to go home. I want to stay here. I don't want to leave people behind. Most of all, I don't want to see him with someone else.. I am scared.. Why do I have to go through this? Why cant things just stay the same? I hate change, I hate having to start over, I hate feeling like I have no choice in my decisions, I hate feeling lost in a place I am supposed to call home. 

I wrote this about a week ago. 

*As a disclaimer! I am not posting this for any other reason other than this is where I write what I feel. Who ever wants to read this can, but its not FOR anyone. It is for me.*

Feel. 

He left today.

He gave me reasons,

but I couldn't hear him over my heart pounding in my ears.

I stared at the ground and held my tears back

I didn't want to cry in front of him.

I would not let him see me break.

I felt nauseous

My whole world was flipped upside down

One day there another day gone

I didn't understand

I hugged him a little too tight

I felt like I would never see him again

I walked towards the stairs

That’s when it hit me

My breath became short

The stairs seemed to be never ending

I opened the door and the light inside felt blinding

I squinted away from it,

But I still felt like I was in the dark.

I walked swiftly by everyone

I tried to hold it together,

But once my door latched

My world fell apart.

With the closing of that door

I felt all of my doors close.

I buried my face in my palms

The tears fell down my cheeks.

I felt their warmth grace my chin then fall to my neck.

I threw my head up asking why

I wanted to just sit there forever.

I have never felt my heart hurt like that

I have never been in so much pain

It felt like someone punched me in the stomach

I couldn't breathe

I felt heavy

I didn't know what to do.

Day after day I cried

I cried in class,

I cried walking to my classes

I cried when I looked at myself in the mirror.

I cried even harder at night when the lights went out

I couldn't escape the darkness that would surround me.

There was no way to escape my thoughts

There was no way to turn off the hurt.

So I decided to let myself become numb

I numbed everything

I numbed the hurt

I numbed the happy

I forgot how to feel

After the numbness things got better and worse

I started eating again

I did homework more diligently

But I wasn't happy

Nothing brought me happiness

I would laugh,

But it wasn't happiness

Blocking things out just seemed easier

It was easier not to feel

I can feel more now,

But not everything

I still block some of it out

Things got better

I got better.

I felt better.

But now,

I feel nothing.