numb

So today I had a talent show and it was so fun! I did it with my ward out here and I performed in it! There were so many great acts! But I sang and played guitar! I played 'Kiss Me' by Ed Sheeran. He is literally like my idol. This was the first time I have EVER played guitar for an audience bigger than my mom or one of my close friends.. I was so nervous. I was shaking the entire time, but it was a good learning experience! I had my friend record it, but it didn't really turn out (sad face) I wanted to post it, but honesty it's not post worthy..

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I only have like two more weeks left here in Idaho.. How crazy is that? Soon I will be back home with the humidity and traffic and my family and my house and my dog and everything I thought mattered to me before.. I have learned to appreciate what I have back home, don't get me wrong, but the people I have met out here have influenced my life so immensely. My roommates have been amazing and thinking about not seeing them everyday is unfathomable.. Leaving these people who have become my family.. I feel like I am moving away from my family all over again..

I haven't let myself feel real feelings in a while.. I have been distracting myself and numbing all my feeling because sometimes they are just too hard to deal with. As I do this I watch TV or play guitar or sleep or anything that will get rid of those sad thoughts, but as I do this, as I numb these feelings, I also seem to numb myself to everything else. Even the good things. Even the things that help me get through hard times. I block everything so that I have no reason to cry. I can't do it anymore. I wont leave here with that numb feeling imprinted in my mind. I will not let that feeling override all of the happiness and laughter and fun I have experienced here..