Monday, May 19, 2014

Blood Cravings and Fangs

It controls you. It takes control of your emotions. It controls everything. All you can think about is the sweet taste of human blood. You crave it, but it is stronger than just a craving. You need it in order to survive. The longer you resist the more intense the cravings are. Everything is heightened. Everything more vivid in your sight. Every image is sharper you can hear the smallest of sounds. Why can I only think of blood. Everywhere I go I want that sweet taste to grace my lips so I can relish in the warmth. I may sound like a monster, but I'm really not. I am just cursed. I didn't ask to be this way, but I am. I still care for my family. I still want to have a life. I still love him. I still want a family. I am still me. I am just a vampire.. I love them, but it hurts knowing what they have done. They have killed people. They are different now though, but the others aren't. It hurts knowing that my friends and family have been killed by their our kind... It can be hard to handle sometimes. Some days I just feel the pain and hurt so much that it clouds my judgement and I become one of them. I tear into the throats of the ones I love. I almost black out as I do this. Then the guilt afterwards eats me alive.. I don't want to feel this anymore. They say you can turn it off. Like a light switch. On or Off. Whatever you want to choose. Just pick one. I want it On, but Off would be easier. I decided to try it one day. They said you can always just turn it back On. So why not? I turned all of it off. All the hurt, all the pain, all the suffering, all the happiness, all the laughter, all the love, everything. Now I dont care. Why did I ever care about who I feed on? Blood keeps me alive so I drink it. Oh and him, ha, whatever. I will kiss him and make him think I still want him, but all I want is his body. I could care less if he left. I do what I need to do to survive now. No feelings to get in the way of surviving. All that matters is me and staying alive. Dont be fooled by my smile. If you get in my way you are dead. Being a vampire doesnt control me, its who I am. Blood cravings and fangs is who I am.

heavy

I dont know if this post will ever see the light of day, but whatever. I need to just write in attempt to make myself feel better..

Today really is one of those days... I cant seem to cheer myself up no matter what I do. I woke up and I was okay. I came home and jammed out to music while I made chocolate chip pancakes. I then sat in my kitchen and watched an episode of "whose line is it anyway?" then after I was done, my mom came home from work for her lunch break. I got in the shower then went into my room and it just went downhill from there. I just felt kinda crummy and I was missing Mr. Wonderful (as my dad calls him). I just kind of sat and started contemplating life and my future. I felt this heaviness in my chest. It was honestly just sheer sadness and I fifnt know why I was feeling this way. Then he called:) I talked to him for a bit whilst he walked to class. I love when he calls me even for that short amount of time. Then he had to go. I felt better because he always makes me smile when I talk to him. He always makes everything better. So things were better, but then after a few minutes I started feeling crappy again and the heaviness in my chest returned... so what to do.... I decided to dress up and look pretty! I scrunched my hair, did my make up, put on a dress, put in earrings, and decided to go print out pictures! So I go to target and the picture kiosk was down so I decided to look around at things, but I didn't want to spend any money, so I left. Right by target is Panera so I decided I hadn't eaten lunch yet so I might as well grab a bite to eat.  As I drove the block and a half to Panera I decided not to spend ten dollars on a meal.. so I just drove home.. so I drove to target for nothing. On the way home that heaviness returned. I started to cry this time. I got home and pulled into the driveway. I just sat in my car I started crying again, but this time I was shaking too. I just tilted my head back against the headrest and continued crying. I didnt wan to talk to anyone, but I knew I needed to. I didnt know who to turn to because I thought he was still in class. So I wrote him several text messages I cant do this anymore...    I dont want to be here...    I hate my life..     I cant..   I didnt send any of them.. I finally just said "I dont know what to do" to my surprise I had been sitting in the car for 30 min just crying and trying to figure out what to say. Then he called me. So I answered and got out of the car and walked up to my room. When I closed my door the heaviness came back again. I cried to him on the phone for a while, but as always he cheered me up right away:) so then we talked and laughed for a while. Then he had to attend his next class. So I let him go and he said we would talk later. I was okay for a bit. Then Douglas left to go skateboarding and I was alone in the house... I was alone... I hate being alone. The heaviness returned. No matter what I did the heaviness would not lift from my chest. Even after everyone got home I still felt alone. After dinner I took my dog for a walk hoping that would make me feel better. But it didnt. I just found my mind worrying about everything... I got back from the walk and I just walked into my back yard and sat on my deck next to my dog and began crying again. Every time I cry the heaviness just becomes more prominent. I cant keep myself from crying sometimes though... I can only hold it back for so long until I reach my limit and everything just overflows and there is nothing I can do about it... I still feel heavy... when will this end?

Friday, May 16, 2014

(date in a box)

So I made another box for Mr. Nicolas! I love making these boxes so much! Its a way I can be in Idaho even when I'm not really there.... ya feel? So this one was way fun! I did a "date in a box"! I am honestly so proud of how much effort I put into this (he better appreciate it too!). I started to make another box, but I didn't like how it was turning out so I completely changed it and went with this idea instead! 

So I started with the box! The theme is movie night so I looked through some pins on pinterest and saw some cute ideas and I put my own twist on them and then got to work! 

For the inside, I wanted it to look like kind of like stars, but the stars you see when you rub your eyes too hard, then you end up seeeing slight color in the 'stars' that appear. So I just did black paper and got some metallic stars and randomly placed them in groupings spreading outwards. 


Then I continued the stars up onto the movie night sign! This is where I basically put the title of the box since it is at the top and in the center. I also continued the stars on black paper long all the inside walls of the box. 


The bottom panel kept to the colors of the box, but was a little more personal so I wrote "someone in Virginia loves you" as pictured above. 


For the left side panel I did a popcorn bag! Cuz whats better than a bag of popcorn for a movie night? I took a white sheet of card-stock and then cut out red strips of paper and used them as the stripes for the popcorn bag. I then took yellow paper and just did round bumps to make it look similar to popcorn. Then I just topped it off with a popcorn label and put black paper behind it! 


For the right side panel I put a film strip. I just put black paper for the base and then used white paper to create the film strip look. I then took yellow and red paper to make a burst like in action movies (I dunno I thought it would look cute and bring in some color) Then I just put some random stars in the strip to break up the white on the film. 



Then its time to prep for all the goodies that go inside! 


So I started by making this sign with his name and then taking a few pictures with it, I will need this picture for later on! I just took the pictures in front of my house so it was nice and simple.  


^^^this is the picture I used later on as a component for the box! 


I made a sign that I would put at the very top once the box was finished and I wrote a letter and put it right underneath it so this would be the first thing he see's when he opens the box! 


# 1 on the date in a box list was 'Music for the car ride." 
These are the lyrics of a song that I wrote for him (which he hasn't actually heard yet). So I gave him the lyrics and wrote a side note beneath the number saying that he will hear it when he see's me! 
(In 14 weeks I might add!)


# 2 on the date in a box list is 'Smiles, cheesy jokes, and pick-up lines' 
So I labeled it on the outside and put the picture I showed earlier for the 'smiles' part. 


Then on the inside I put the cheesy jokes and pick-up lines! 

Why did sally fall off the swing?
..she had no arms
Knock Knock 
(Who's there?) 
Not Sally. 


# 3 (and the most important) 'Snacks for the movie' I included some random snacks and I know he loves almonds so I threw some of those in there too! I had so many snacks I couldn't really rope them together like I did with the Oreo's so I made little labels that said 'And more.." to tie them together...figuratively.


Then to share I threw in five extra packs of Oreo's so that he could share with his roomies! I hope he actually shares.. that would be why I put their names on them hoping that will push him to actually share them..


# 4 'Reminisce on old memories' I drew this amateur comic about the first night we met... and kissed. I thought it turned out pretty cute so I tied a bow on it and put it in the box. 


# 5 'Homemade dessert' I made a chocolate trail mix type of thing.. I did popcorn, pretzels, almonds, and m&m's all covered in chocolate! This was before I put it in the bag because the chocolate was hardening when I was taking pictures! 


# 6 'Goodnight kiss' This jar is full of Hershey kisses. It may not be as good as a real kiss, but it sure is sweet like one, right? 


And that's everything! I wish it was a real date, but I will see him soon enough! I loved putting this box together and I can't wait until he gets it because then I can actually post this! 
(I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise!) 

xoxo

Friday, May 9, 2014

I'll be your safety, and I'll be your lady..

I will cherish you.
I will make you feel loved. 
I will give you my everything. 
You are my everything. 
I will fight for you. 
I will not give up. 
The thought of losing you is crippling. 
You told me to have no hope 
So I let you go. 
You came back and I cant resist 
I don't want to resist. 
It felt like I never lost you
It felt like everything was perfect
but its not perfect. 
Soon I will be a world away. 
Then my fears will kick in. 
The fear of seeing you with someone else.
Now that would be crippling. 
I will fight for you 
even when you don't feel like you deserve it.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. 
You are my favorite person in the world. 
You are my everything
I will give you my everything
I will make you feel loved 
and I will cherish you. 

Thursday, May 1, 2014

a very special box for a very special boy

So while I was in Utah I made this surprise for someone special in Idaho! So I thought I would share my process of making it and how you could make it your own! So here we go! 
Directions are at the bottom of the page! 













Step one: First you will need someone special to send it to and you will need a box!
Step two: Find things they love, will appreciate, and use. (you can do some silly stuff too)
Step three: Scrapbook Paper! Cover flaps of the box in scrapbook paper! (of coordinating colors please.) Also if you can find paper that fits your theme that would be great. Mine was back-to-school~esque so I found cute paper that looked like notebook paper!
Step four: Decorate the four upper flaps with cute things. My theme was "things to help this semester." So I wrote that on one of the flaps. Be creative with the other flaps! Make it personal!
Step five: Label your items! So I got things that, in-turn, would help him this semester in one way or another. So then I labeled them for their proper use.
Step six: write a letter. No package is complete without a few personal words to your special someone! Then get it all together and seal it up and send it off!