heavy

I dont know if this post will ever see the light of day, but whatever. I need to just write in attempt to make myself feel better..

Today really is one of those days... I cant seem to cheer myself up no matter what I do. I woke up and I was okay. I came home and jammed out to music while I made chocolate chip pancakes. I then sat in my kitchen and watched an episode of "whose line is it anyway?" then after I was done, my mom came home from work for her lunch break. I got in the shower then went into my room and it just went downhill from there. I just felt kinda crummy and I was missing Mr. Wonderful (as my dad calls him). I just kind of sat and started contemplating life and my future. I felt this heaviness in my chest. It was honestly just sheer sadness and I fifnt know why I was feeling this way. Then he called:) I talked to him for a bit whilst he walked to class. I love when he calls me even for that short amount of time. Then he had to go. I felt better because he always makes me smile when I talk to him. He always makes everything better. So things were better, but then after a few minutes I started feeling crappy again and the heaviness in my chest returned... so what to do.... I decided to dress up and look pretty! I scrunched my hair, did my make up, put on a dress, put in earrings, and decided to go print out pictures! So I go to target and the picture kiosk was down so I decided to look around at things, but I didn't want to spend any money, so I left. Right by target is Panera so I decided I hadn't eaten lunch yet so I might as well grab a bite to eat.  As I drove the block and a half to Panera I decided not to spend ten dollars on a meal.. so I just drove home.. so I drove to target for nothing. On the way home that heaviness returned. I started to cry this time. I got home and pulled into the driveway. I just sat in my car I started crying again, but this time I was shaking too. I just tilted my head back against the headrest and continued crying. I didnt wan to talk to anyone, but I knew I needed to. I didnt know who to turn to because I thought he was still in class. So I wrote him several text messages I cant do this anymore...    I dont want to be here...    I hate my life..     I cant..   I didnt send any of them.. I finally just said "I dont know what to do" to my surprise I had been sitting in the car for 30 min just crying and trying to figure out what to say. Then he called me. So I answered and got out of the car and walked up to my room. When I closed my door the heaviness came back again. I cried to him on the phone for a while, but as always he cheered me up right away:) so then we talked and laughed for a while. Then he had to attend his next class. So I let him go and he said we would talk later. I was okay for a bit. Then Douglas left to go skateboarding and I was alone in the house... I was alone... I hate being alone. The heaviness returned. No matter what I did the heaviness would not lift from my chest. Even after everyone got home I still felt alone. After dinner I took my dog for a walk hoping that would make me feel better. But it didnt. I just found my mind worrying about everything... I got back from the walk and I just walked into my back yard and sat on my deck next to my dog and began crying again. Every time I cry the heaviness just becomes more prominent. I cant keep myself from crying sometimes though... I can only hold it back for so long until I reach my limit and everything just overflows and there is nothing I can do about it... I still feel heavy... when will this end?