Last day + college

So today is the last day at the beach and this week has seriously just flown by. I cannot believe how much fun I have had this past week. We relived traditions and got very sun-kissed. I love being here so much. But this week I got a email from my housing complex. I got all of my roomates names! that was really exciting, but I was also kind of baffled... like this is real now. All summer I have been talking about going. Someone asks and I say yea I am headed to Idaho in the fall for school... the fall is just around the corner.. where did the time go? Before I know it I am going to be stressed out beyond belief and probably crying every night.. I seriously don't know how I am going to handle being a college student, but all of my roomates seem really nice and I am super excited to meet them:)

xoxo

Temporal.

So I have no pictures to go with this blog post, but oh well we will have to survive without them. Anyways I've been thinking a lot lately about our temporary state... now this topic can range from being sick for a small amount of time to this earth life being so temporal... but I've been thinking more along the lines of college. People say college is the best time of their lives and I hope they are right. school thus far has honestly been my personal hell... sorry for the language, but it really has.. I hated every second of it. The only place I could go to for some safety was to writing. It was the only place I felt safe. No one could get inside my mind and make me write something I wasn't thinking. It was something that was all mine... but anyways that's not what this is supposed to be about!

Today I said goodbye to some of the cutest kids of all time. I've been babysitting them since I was like eleven... I've watched their family go though struggles and then all of the sudden, BOOM, kids! They are the sweetest people I have ever met, but this isn't goodbye. its see you later. I am very grateful for that...

Then I got to thinking when I left heaven I like to believe Heavenly Father gave me a hug just before I left him to go down to earth. I know he didn't say goodbye he said "see you later." he probably cringed at the thought of putting a (at the time) perfect soul down into such a wicked world. He knew I wouldn't make good choices, but he was still willing to let me fall down and get back up and learn... that must be the hardest thing about being a parent... watching your children do things on their own and watching them fail and get upset just because they didn't succeed. Although when we are with our children we can encourage them to get back up and comfort them. Whereas Heavenly Father has to watch from quite a distance. He cant wrap us up in his arms when we get hurt or kiss our 'boo boo's" when we fall... The only power he has is the Holy Ghost. Now the Holy Ghost is very powerful, but for those who don't have the opportunity to learn and feel the Holy Ghost it must be that much harder for Him to watch, but he knows this is temporal. He knows we will be back soon, but it doesn't mean its not painful to watch. Temporal is the key word here. Everything is temporal. The only thing that lasts forever is Eternal Life. And that is the single reason I know everything will be okay. I may have screwed up now, but I can still have Eternal life. I may feel tortured now, but it is all temporal.

xoxo

day two.

so today is day number 2 at the beach and I am absolutely loving it. I wish I could live here year round, but I cant. This beach trip is always nice because the week before school is always so stressful and everyone is on edge a little bit. so this beach trip serves as a sort of distraction. It occupies your mind so that you don't stress about going back to school. This is my turning point of the year. for a lot of people Christmas or New Years marks a new year for them, for me its this beach trip. I bond with my parents a ton and I have a lot of fun. This year is more special because once we get back I'm going off to college. I'm so excited to go, but I never want to leave here.

 

The beach makes me so happy. I think we should always do the things that make us the most happy. Why mope around all day doing nothing when you could be laughing and enjoying the beautiful earth that surrounds us. There is a picture in my beach house that says

"She cried everyday not because she was sad, but because the earth was so big and beautiful and life is too short"

better late than never!

So I made a box for the amazing Jonathan Rigtrup and I sent it off to him a while ago, but haven't posted about it yet! So I took a smallish box and decorated it in a mission theme! He is going to Calgary, Canada so I used some fabric with Canada on it. and I also just made it look pretty!! I redid the whole box and theme like 6 times... not kidding. Anyways I drew the green 'they call me on a mission'  I'm not an artist, but I like how it turned out. I then put his missionary survival kit and a jar of quotes inside and then a note and some fun confetti! and sealed it up and sent it off!

 

I am so proud of Jonathan for deciding to go on a mission. He is an amazing guy and he is lucky to be doing the Lords work. He will be a powerful tool in our Heavenly Fathers hands. I wish everyone had a Jonathan in their life. He is seriously always there for me no matter what. Even if I haven't talked to him in a while if I text him he is always eager to reply and makes me feel like I am special. Just knowing him I know that someone will always care about me. I know it will be a hard to years without him, but I know what he is doing is an honorable thing. We aren't dating, but I think I am going to miss him just as much as if we were. I Love You Jonathan!!!

xoxo

~reflect~

People have been driving me crazy today.. I don't know why. They are just bothering me in everyway and they all seem to need ME to do something for THEM. Like why cant you do it yourself? I know that I am just complaining right now, but I am seriously fed up with today...

but you see this is why I spend time at the end of the day to reflect on what has happened. It gives me a moment to rethink how the day went.

First my mom woke me up and she was very patient with me at work because she knew I wasn't feeling great at all. and then at work we ran into some old friends. Now granted I looked like and felt like death. now I am not a huge fan of these "old friends" especially not their teenage daughter. So we chatted for a little while as the daughter talked about her college plans I realized how lucky I was that I get to go to the college of my choosing and not having to settle for community college because of an unfortunate financial circumstance.

Then as my mom and I arrived home I took a shower and she made me lunch (well kind of) since I cant really have solid foods as of yet she put a sweet potato/ yam in the microwave to get it soft and ready for me to eat. Then she offered to sit down and watch a movie with me. I finished my potato and fell asleep during the movie. She cleaned up my plate and mess I left and turned the TV off so I could sleep longer because she knew I wasn't feeling well.

After I woke up my friend Taylor came over. I hadn't seen her the last couple days because well I have been sleeping and spending five hours in dentist office, but anyhow she came over and sat with me because I cant really go anywhere because I cant drive on the heavy pain meds they have me taking. Then after she left my mom offered for me to come over to her friends house and talk to her friends daughter about college. She just graduated from the school I am going to and she wanted to see if I had any questions. she answered a bunch of them and made me feel more comfortable about heading off to school. Now all in all I would say I had a lot of people help me out and a lot of people show their love and compassion for me.

I am grateful to have people in my life to take care of me and love me unconditionally. I realize now how lucky I am to have good people in my life. Even though I was irritated by anything and everything today, and I was short tempered people still helped me and cared for me and that's the most important thing. I am glad I have time at the end of the day to reflect on everything. because I thought I had a pretty rough day, but in actuality it wasn't too bad.

I miss her..

So I had surgery on my mouth yesterday.. they knocked me out for 6 hours and filled twelve cavities pulled one tooth and are having two crowns made.. now before you get all grossed out and think I have bad hygiene let me explain. I have a really bad anxiety problem when it comes to the dentist or even teeth in general. When I have a dentist appointment coming up my body gets physically ill. I will begin to get sick. I will get anything from a minor fever to full on flu virus. So.... for two years I have not had anyone drill on my teeth. Just recently I have figured out why. when I was about seven years old I was having some orthodontic work done. I had no problem with it back then. However this is where my anxiety stems from. They needed to pull out three of my teeth because my mouth was too small. so they strapped me down to a table and yanked out my teeth. I can still remember to this day them prying my mouth open and me looking into the bright light overhead of me and feeling faint. To this very day I still remember it vividly. So I have bad problems with dentists now.. but my mom found a special dentist that specializes in cases like mine. I even found out a lot of adults have a similar problem to mine. So they just knocked me out and fixed everything and now I am just going to be extra careful with my teeth and get over my fear one dental visit at a time.

Anyhow that is not even what this post is supposed to be about, but I needed some excuse as to why I haven't posted in the last few days. So today id August 7th. Six months ago Sydney passed away. I knew this day was coming, but it came here all too fast. I miss her like crazy... but the thing that drives me nuts is this....   how can i say I miss her, i hadn't seen her in years/ how can i say i miss her when I didn't spend the last days of her life with her/ how can i miss her when i don't know how to miss her.... thinking about it I knew syd, but not really well. We hadn't spoken in years and whenever I would go see her she wouldn't really talk to me. I loved her to death don't get me wrong, but I just felt like she didn't really love me. I never saw her and when I was in town for a week or so i never spent any time with her because she was always doing something else. now as kids we were close, i remember playing in her back yard for hours and Shelby crimping my hair. those were the days... i wish it was still like that, but then I think to myself how can I miss her? her mother misses her and her father, her sisters, her friends... and then there is me, a part of me thinks i cant miss her. /i cant miss her like her mother misses her... and then I think yes, i may not miss her like her mother misses her, but i miss her just the same. the fact she is not here makes me miss her. She was a beautiful girl and I do miss her.

Sydney Taylor Bruning

So I have been putting this post off for a while just because I'm not even sure what I am going to say or even if I can give this post justice, but here goes nothing..

So I am going to be very honest and write down my true feelings about this.

Sydney was my cousin. She was seventeen years old when she returned to her Father in Heaven. I still don't know all of the details, but she did take her own life. I miss her terribly. I do live across the country and far away fro where she was, but I still loved her. she was an amazing girl. She was good at everything. She was a dancer, a cook, and very few people knew, but she was also a singer. She loved life and everyone in it. She was a little boy crazy, but hey, who isn't?

February 7th is a day I will never forget. As I was across the country my father was the one who delivered the news. His words still ring through my ears. At first I did not cry I was just in pure shock. I remember walking into the kitchen and sitting in our white chair pulling my knees to my chest and staring at nothing. Just having a blank stare and not thinking about anything. Then it clicked. My cousin was gone. Forever. Never to return. there was nothing I could do to bring her back and to try and help her. That moment was the moment I broke down. I cried and cried. I just didn't understand what happened. I didn't understand how she of all people felt so lost that she thought her only way out was to take her own life.

I needed to see her. I cried every night until I got to Utah. My father and I went. I was very nervous at her viewing. We got there ahead of time because that was for the family members. I remember walking into the room where she was. The casket was open and I could see her red lips from across the room. I walked in the door and the room had an icy and dark feel to it. The sorrow surrounded me as I went and sat down next to my dad across the room from her and I couldn't control myself. I was so overwhelmed. I felt sick to my stomach. Then when the viewing began the line just kept going hundreds of people came to pay their respects. I could not take it anymore. I had to leave. I cried in the car to my best friend about what I was feeling. I don't remember what I said to her because I was in such a fragile state. I remember crying every night I was there and trying not to wake her up from my sobs.

The next day at her funeral it was beautiful. More people came by to see her before the service began. I still hadn't looked in the casket because I was afraid to. When the line finally ended they asked everyone to leave the room except for close friends and family. Her uncle offered the family prayer. I cried through the entire thing. It was that moment when I felt every bit of sorrow engulf me and drag me down into misery. As the prayer came to a close her uncle said something along the lines of "and by the closing of the casket let there come peace to those who are suffering from this loss." After those words were said I was still sad, but I felt peace. I knew she was gone, but I knew she was okay. Then her bishop invited us to say our last goodbyes before the closing of the casket. I knew that if I did not say goodbye to her I would regret it for the rest of my life. I walked up towards the casket and it was only a few feet, but it felt like a few hundred feet. I looked at her and I knew she was okay. I knew she was with her Heavenly Father. I could not udder any words, but I thought 'I love you syd..."

Her family then said their goodbyes. Her mother kissed her on her forehead and they closed the casket and the service began in the chapel. This was one of the hardest days ever.

I miss Sydney a ton. I think about her everyday. She was only two weeks older than me and she would never be able to go to college or get married or even have kids. I love her so much and I cant wait to see her again.

Love you syd<3

undefined.

We spend our days running around trying to get things done. We get so busy because we are focused on the future and what we want it to bring us. for people in high school, seniors especially, are usually preparing for college and worrying about applying and worrying about if they will even get in. Then there are college kids that now have to worry about real world jobs. They will be done with school and ready to get a real job to sustain them. Then when they are younger and just first starting school, they are worried about if they will like their teacher or even if they can stand to be away from mommy for a few hours. But what people seem to overlook is the fact that you cant plan your whole life. You can prepare for the future, but no matter what you do the future is still undefined. You can make all of the plans you want and save money, go to school, buy a house, but you will never know what the future will bring you. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. You can plan to go to the grocery store or go to the pool, but what exactly is going to happen is undefined.

-Missionary Survival Kit-

So this survival kit is very special to me. I will be sending this off to Jonathan. He may have received it by the time this post goes up because I cant post this until he gets it otherwise it will spoil the surprise:) Here are the instructions and supplies you will need to create your very own Missionary Survival Kit! Enjoy!

First you will need a tin lunch box. Mine is relatively small. It doesn't matter the color because you will be spray painting it black. If you find a black one it would be perfect!

Then you will need to create these labels. I created mine using the program 'paint' on my computer. You can also find downloadable tags on google. So I made them and printed out two, (pictured below) one with "Missionary Survival Kit" on it and the other with "Elder _______"

I then cut it out and laminated the tag. you don't have to laminate it because you can also 'mod podge' the tag to the tin lunch box. I then glued the tag on either side with "tacky glue"

I then lined the inside with scrapbook paper and glued it on with "tacky glue" (below)

....the wet spot was the body wash I included in all the goodies... it leaked.. (I recommend putting them in plastic baggies to prevent this mishap.

I then included a picture of myself and a picture of the Savior. I used one of my senior pictures and I used a "pass along" card and just cut out the picture.

Then it is time for the goodies! I included lots of travel sized items!

• Downy Wrinkle Release
• Sewing Kit
• Chapstick
• Lotion
• Mouthwash
• AXE
• Hand Sanitizer
• Body Wash
• Band-Aids
• Tide To-Go
• Sticky Notes
• Letters

I then used little thank you card envelopes to write my letters:) They were small enough to fit inside my lunch box. I cut out paper the size of the card and wrote on them front and back.

I then picked themes to write about and when he should open the letters. Example: Open when you first arrive, Open when you're having "one of those days," Open when you have your first baptism, etc. I then wrote what I thought would help him through whatever was happening that day.

Time to pack up!

it may take a little bit of thought to fit all the goodies in. Just keep moving stuff around until you can get it to fit!

Lastly put the letters on top and close her up!

Missions are a very important thing to me and I am so glad Jonathan is going! He will be in Calgary, Canada. I am so excited for him. This gift does take some time, but it is really fun and totally worth it! Have fun on your mission Jonathan!



xoxo