So I am going to be very honest and write down my true feelings about this.
Sydney was my cousin. She was seventeen years old when she returned to her Father in Heaven. I still don't know all of the details, but she did take her own life. I miss her terribly. I do live across the country and far away fro where she was, but I still loved her. she was an amazing girl. She was good at everything. She was a dancer, a cook, and very few people knew, but she was also a singer. She loved life and everyone in it. She was a little boy crazy, but hey, who isn't?
February 7th is a day I will never forget. As I was across the country my father was the one who delivered the news. His words still ring through my ears. At first I did not cry I was just in pure shock. I remember walking into the kitchen and sitting in our white chair pulling my knees to my chest and staring at nothing. Just having a blank stare and not thinking about anything. Then it clicked. My cousin was gone. Forever. Never to return. there was nothing I could do to bring her back and to try and help her. That moment was the moment I broke down. I cried and cried. I just didn't understand what happened. I didn't understand how she of all people felt so lost that she thought her only way out was to take her own life.
I needed to see her. I cried every night until I got to Utah. My father and I went. I was very nervous at her viewing. We got there ahead of time because that was for the family members. I remember walking into the room where she was. The casket was open and I could see her red lips from across the room. I walked in the door and the room had an icy and dark feel to it. The sorrow surrounded me as I went and sat down next to my dad across the room from her and I couldn't control myself. I was so overwhelmed. I felt sick to my stomach. Then when the viewing began the line just kept going hundreds of people came to pay their respects. I could not take it anymore. I had to leave. I cried in the car to my best friend about what I was feeling. I don't remember what I said to her because I was in such a fragile state. I remember crying every night I was there and trying not to wake her up from my sobs.
The next day at her funeral it was beautiful. More people came by to see her before the service began. I still hadn't looked in the casket because I was afraid to. When the line finally ended they asked everyone to leave the room except for close friends and family. Her uncle offered the family prayer. I cried through the entire thing. It was that moment when I felt every bit of sorrow engulf me and drag me down into misery. As the prayer came to a close her uncle said something along the lines of "and by the closing of the casket let there come peace to those who are suffering from this loss." After those words were said I was still sad, but I felt peace. I knew she was gone, but I knew she was okay. Then her bishop invited us to say our last goodbyes before the closing of the casket. I knew that if I did not say goodbye to her I would regret it for the rest of my life. I walked up towards the casket and it was only a few feet, but it felt like a few hundred feet. I looked at her and I knew she was okay. I knew she was with her Heavenly Father. I could not udder any words, but I thought 'I love you syd..."
Her family then said their goodbyes. Her mother kissed her on her forehead and they closed the casket and the service began in the chapel. This was one of the hardest days ever.
I miss Sydney a ton. I think about her everyday. She was only two weeks older than me and she would never be able to go to college or get married or even have kids. I love her so much and I cant wait to see her again.
Love you syd<3
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