I miss her..

So I had surgery on my mouth yesterday.. they knocked me out for 6 hours and filled twelve cavities pulled one tooth and are having two crowns made.. now before you get all grossed out and think I have bad hygiene let me explain. I have a really bad anxiety problem when it comes to the dentist or even teeth in general. When I have a dentist appointment coming up my body gets physically ill. I will begin to get sick. I will get anything from a minor fever to full on flu virus. So.... for two years I have not had anyone drill on my teeth. Just recently I have figured out why. when I was about seven years old I was having some orthodontic work done. I had no problem with it back then. However this is where my anxiety stems from. They needed to pull out three of my teeth because my mouth was too small. so they strapped me down to a table and yanked out my teeth. I can still remember to this day them prying my mouth open and me looking into the bright light overhead of me and feeling faint. To this very day I still remember it vividly. So I have bad problems with dentists now.. but my mom found a special dentist that specializes in cases like mine. I even found out a lot of adults have a similar problem to mine. So they just knocked me out and fixed everything and now I am just going to be extra careful with my teeth and get over my fear one dental visit at a time.

Anyhow that is not even what this post is supposed to be about, but I needed some excuse as to why I haven't posted in the last few days. So today id August 7th. Six months ago Sydney passed away. I knew this day was coming, but it came here all too fast. I miss her like crazy... but the thing that drives me nuts is this....   how can i say I miss her, i hadn't seen her in years/ how can i say i miss her when I didn't spend the last days of her life with her/ how can i miss her when i don't know how to miss her.... thinking about it I knew syd, but not really well. We hadn't spoken in years and whenever I would go see her she wouldn't really talk to me. I loved her to death don't get me wrong, but I just felt like she didn't really love me. I never saw her and when I was in town for a week or so i never spent any time with her because she was always doing something else. now as kids we were close, i remember playing in her back yard for hours and Shelby crimping my hair. those were the days... i wish it was still like that, but then I think to myself how can I miss her? her mother misses her and her father, her sisters, her friends... and then there is me, a part of me thinks i cant miss her. /i cant miss her like her mother misses her... and then I think yes, i may not miss her like her mother misses her, but i miss her just the same. the fact she is not here makes me miss her. She was a beautiful girl and I do miss her.